Interred: How to Have Fun in Meetings

As my schedule tomorrow suggests I'm going to suffer death through meetings, I can't resist repeating this from my email box today...

Brighten up your boring meetings!

Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: "Can't you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.

Wear a hands-free phone headset throughout - once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarves, just get the show done!"

Write the words "He fancies you" on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen. This works best in an all male meeting.

Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures. When anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.

Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs prior to the
meeting, conspicuously avoid sitting in it and when someone does, cover your mouth and gasp.

Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty old town".

Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.

Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them conspicuously.

Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.

Bend momentarily under the table and then re-appear with two half ping-pong balls in your eye sockets.

Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as: "What's the margin, Marvin?" “When's this turkey going to get basted?" "If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors."

Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:

o MY SECRET AGENDA
* Get the next promo video made by Leni Riefenstaal
* Trample the weak.
* Triumph alone.
* Invade Poland.

Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they
haven't seen them.

For a really serious meeting, bring along a bowl of jelly babies and insist they are handed round.

Make your presentations more engaging!

Chew tobacco.

Respond to a serious question with: “I’m flattered, but it's all happened so fast."

Use 'Nam style jargon such as “what’s the ETA?", "who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf." For best effect try: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" whilst playing the Ride of the Valkeries in the background.

Shave one of your forearms or even better one of your eyebrows.

Attempt to hypnotise the entire room with a pocket watch.

Don't drink the water, gargle.

Use a large hunting knife to point to visual aids.

Leave long random pauses in your speech. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I'M NOT FINISHED". If they persist, sit down and invite them to take over the presentation.